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The Whine Flows Freely on Temptation Island 2/28/01 The tension was thick in the soft, tropical air. The single guys, all lined up and glistening in the sun, held their breath. All eyes were upon her as Valerie heaved herself from her lounge chair (all that emotional baggage is heavy!) and slumped toward the line of boys. They all wore brave, forced smiles, each weighing the ignominy of being amongst the unchosen against the agony of spending the next two days with Valerie.
Now, someone just washing up on the beach after clinging to a lifeboat for the past several weeks might be confused. Why the look of strain on all these handsome faces? Valerie is a very attractive girl, in great shape, has a very nice smile on those rare occasions when we get to see it. She seems like she might even remember how to have fun.
But our figurative seafarer doesn't know the Valerie we know, the Valerie who is terrorizing these poor boys with that "dream date" bouquet. Finally, Val completes her trudge, and with a lack of enthusiasm usually seen only in those who are currently under anesthesia, offers her bouquet of doom to the unfortunate Dano. He makes a valiant effort to look happily surprised, and we marvel at his restraint. We half-expected Valerie's chosen one to make a break for it and risk a swim to the mainland.
Dano's only sin in the face of such heavy penance? He's "upbeat." Yes, upbeat, so Valerie tells us in explanation of her choice. "And I need someone to take my mind off what could happen at the end." And so begins the fine whine that will pour ceaselessly from Valerie for the rest of the show.
Why so blue, Val? It's all because she fears that her model boyfriend, Kaya (he's a model who is also her boyfriend, not a 'model boyfriend') may be straying. Through the magic of video and the enigma of intuition, Valerie recognizes that her fears have foundation. She has seen footage of Kaya on his dates with the island temptresses, and generally cavorting and having himself a good old time. This is clearly not what Valerie envisioned when she signed up for this adventure.
Which brings up the question: what in the world is Valerie doing on Temptation Island? She has made it exceedingly clear from the get-go that she really has no interest in any further shopping - Kaya is "the one." An early show quote has Valerie declaring that her reason for being on the show is that she believes it "will help Kaya to see that I am the one." Hmmmm .... nope, we don't buy it. Does Valerie really seem secure enough to parade her pretty boy in front of a bunch of single women, cast especially to tempt him? Uh-uh, we are not buying.
We offer this completely unsubstantiated yet quite plausible theory for your consideration: This was all Kaya's idea, and he sold it to Valerie by telling her how much she would be helping him further his modeling career, thereby helping to secure their future. Can you just imagine the effect of Kaya uttering the words "our future" to Valerie? And if that wasn't enough to persuade her, he could pull out the big guns: "It will give me the chance to show the world that even all these beautiful girls can't tempt me away from you .... It will give me the chance to show the world how much I love you!" In her ensuing blissful state, Kaya could talk her into a trip to an island infested with rabid monkeys.
This scenario would explain Valerie's complete nose dive on the show. She's not just feeling hurt and missing her man. She's behaving like someone caught completely off guard. Someone completely betrayed. Someone who's been tricked by the one she trusted most.
Kaya, for his part, has set himself up as someone who was strong armed into a stifling relationship at a tender age, before he could ever really have any fun, ever really live. He tells us that "I got into this relationship so quickly, I never had a chance to be single." Yeah, yeah. Kaya, you're twenty-eight years old. You've only been dating Val for a year and a half! You were twenty-six when you two got together! Where had you been for the previous decade? In a monastery? Once again, we're not buying. We think you're trying to set yourself up as this poor, smothered guy who never ever got to have any fun before he was sucked into a serious relationship by a desperate and controlling woman.
That's what you're up to, isn't it. And you're doing it so that on the final episode, when you inevitably dump Valerie, you won't come off looking like a world class schmuck. You're doing it to stifle our growing sympathy for Val. You're doing it so the show's final episode won't be like Old Yeller.
And Valerie isn't the only one Kaya has twisting in the wind ....
Over on the Guy side of the island, we find our boys enjoying a candlelit dinner with their chosen temptresses. Andy, his ego still in a sling from Kaya's seduction of Megan - the girl of Andy's fickle dreams - is nonetheless enjoying the evening with pretty Elizabeth at his side. At dinner, we find out that Andy, a brainless schmo who learned nothing from the Megan Incident, actually told Kaya which of the three possible dream dates he really, really wants to go on. We know you've already figured out what happens next - Kaya draws first pick and chooses Andy's extreme dream date, putting Andy's fragile ego into traction.
We hear the soft thub as yet another bottle of whine is uncorked, a vintage Andy will be splashing over everyone within earshot for the rest of the show.
It is now morning, and we're back to Gal Island, where we find Valerie slumped in a chair, popping handfuls of vitamins. She announces to the surprise of absolutely no one that she is feeling "blah." We're hoping that Dano has an adequate supply of vitamins too, or at least some type of pharmaceutical aid to help him through the next 24 hours.
If the producers staged what happened next, may they burn in hell. Dano and Val arrive at the island's airport/bus station to embark on their adventure. There they see the banished single girls preparing to board their flight home. With a quick calculation of who is there, Valerie is able to determine who is not there, and her nightmare now has a name, a face and, worst of all, a body. A Playboy model body. Valerie is immediately reduced to runny, undercooked Jell-O. She trembles "I again have a visual in my head .... (sob, sob) .... and I'm just so tired of having to have that." The hapless Dano, looking resigned to his fate, hands Val the first of undoubtedly many Kleenexes of the day. We imagine the crew provided him with a pocketful.
As if our sympathies are not wrenched enough, we are treated to a shot of Kaya and Allison on the plane ride to their intimate retreat, all cuddly and smug.
Comic relief arrives just in time. We join Andy and Elizabeth at their private spa, receiving the royal treatment. A seething Andy is lying on a table, covered with mud and a very small cloth (a really, really small cloth, if you catch our drift). As a final, exquisitely emasculating touch, Andy is bedecked with the petals of bright, tropical flowers. Mostly pink.
We rejoin Dano and his date. The weeping has ceased, but the bottomless decanter continues to pour. Val is refusing to walk a trail to a scenic grotto. "Do you see these shoes?" she drones. "The bottoms are slick! I can't walk on this wet grass in these shoes." She stays behind while Dano, grateful for any reprieve, proceeds toward the viewpoint. In his absence, Val confesses her clever plan to the camera: "Hopefully, I can wear Dano out during the day." Val, you're mood is wearing us all out. She continues "I know tonight I'm just going to want to go to my room early and shut the door." Does she really think Dano is going to object? That he actually wants to make a move on her? Don't think it's going to be an issue, ValGal. The aura of gloom Valerie projects functions just as effectively as one of those invisible electric dog fences.
On the ride home from their excellent adventure, we see Val staring catatonically out the window. In a resolute attempt at conversation, Dano asks innocuously "What did you think of those waterfalls?" Val turns to give him a look that suggests he has just made an off color remark. Approximately three hours go by before she responds: "Really cool," and resumes her vegetative gazing. We begin to wonder if all those pills were really vitamins after all.
Meanwhile, back at the spa, a washed off Andy and Elizabeth continue to endure their date and each other. The herbals and aromatherapy have done nothing to soothe the savage beast, and Andy is ready to spit venom for the camera. He comments that there are two Elizabeth's -"Camera Elizabeth" and the one he prefers. "Camera Elizabeth showed up today," he pouts. Andy begrudges Elizabeth her desire to be portrayed in a favorable light on the show. This makes sense, since Andy is completely oblivious as to how he is coming across. Unless .... now here's a terrifying thought .... perhaps Andy actually is on his best behavior for the show! Somebody call John Walsh, quick.
When it's Elizabeth's turn, she calls Andy a "fun guy .... a unique individual." Elizabeth has that 'if you can't say something nice ....' thing down! She adds, however, that she is used to being treated like a lady, and that this was not the case with Andy. Elizabeth then hollers something to her dream date about being raised in a barn, and firmly shuts the door to her bedroom. Yes, her bedroom. Sorry, FOX.
You know, Elizabeth and Dano really need to get together after this thing is over, for, like, a post-traumatic debriefing session.
We next see Val and Dano having dinner at Blancaneaux Lodge. That's pronounced "Blank 'n' O" which really sums up this whole date, doesn't it? We love irony.
Dano is looking slightly more animated, probably due to both the wine - the kind in a glass this time - and the knowledge that his ordeal is finally drawing to a close. Ah, but it's not over yet. There is yet more moaning and moping about Kaya, all punctuated with frequent sobs. Val asks Dano if she should leave Kaya if she discovers that he has, in fact, cheated on her. Without a moment's consideration, Dano says simply and emphatically: "Yeah!" Can we blame the guy for not caring anymore? He tried, he really did, but he's reached the Point Of No Concern.
After dinner, Valerie declares that she "turns into a pumpkin at 9:00" and withdraws to the sanctuary of her room, where presumably she will be free to bawl the night away, unfettered by the omnipresent cameras or pesky human companionship.
Dano throws himself on the couch with a sigh of relief. He smiles, then lets out a long chuckle in a "you gotta laugh" kind of way. He then mimics a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head for the camera, and laughs some more. Buddy, we know just how you feel.
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